Tears and Rain
by Yozora no namida
Summary: Rated R for language and suicidal themes. Angst, angst. A tiny bit slashy, nothing noticeable. Please read and review.


Tears and rain

Disclaimer: Not mine

A/N: Unbetaed. Expect mistakes.

The rain is falling…falling like broken dreams. Can I ever forgive myself?

_I accepted missions without questioning, without weighing the consequences and I execute them with perfection because I wanted to believe… I wanted to believe that OZ is humanity's bane. I wanted to believe that by eradicating OZ, true peace could be achieved. I wanted to believe that by doing what I did, the future generations will never experience the pain and torment I went through._

_But is peace forged by the tears and blood of the innocents? Built on a foundation of corpses?_

_I have killed too many people. How many orphans have I created? How many weeping widows have I seen awaiting their husbands that will never return?_

_All because of me! I am humanity's true bane!_

I felt warm liquid trickling down my cheeks, an unfamiliar sensation. Only when I heard my own pathetic voice, choking between gasps of breath did I comprehend I was shedding tears of guilt. I didn't even realize I have started crying. How weak can I get? The Perfect Soldier, crying like a baby. If the others could see me now, they would be laughing their asses off.

It's raining… the merciless pounding of raindrops on the asphalt reminds me of L-1, my home, where the only music you have is the constant staccato blasts of machine guns and the sound of bullets slamming into flesh and bones. A place of morbid memories…

How long has it been since I'm out here? Two hours? Or maybe it's four. I feel like I have been sealed into a coffin and lost all sense of time. I just kept on walking, hoping the rain will cleanse my tainted soul. My mind is plagued with thoughts of guns and death, my death.

My vision is getting vague, because of the rain or tears, I do not know.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

3.35 p.m.

I've been staring at the same page of my manga for the last 20 minutes. I just can't seem to concentrate. With a sigh, I toss the manga on my bed, got up from my seat, and started pacing. It's still raining cats and dogs out there.

"DAMN IT! Where the hell did that emotionless bastard go?" I muttered under my breath, glancing at the other side of the dorm room where Heero's bed is located. I'm starting to get worried. Heero has been acting weird lately, especially since the botched mission at New Edwards Base.

Exactly 3 hours 27 minutes ago… 

Heero is facing his laptop as usual and furiously assaulting the keyboard, writing a report on the mission at New Edwards Base, I presumed. The mission was a failure. He mistakenly assassinated the Alliance's military leaders, who had that very day decided to begin disarmament and make peace with the space colonies. Despite the fact that the information was inaccurate to begin with, he took that real hard, judging from how he reacted: he went to the wife of the alliance's military commander and offered his life as compensation for those that died at New Edwards Base because of his "incompetence".

I always wonder why he takes things so seriously, we're just 16 for God's sake! If he continues this, sooner or later he's going to break under the pressure. There are days when I seriously think he has already been stretched beyond his limit and the only thing that keeps him going is the sheer will for a better tomorrow.

When I first met him, he had refused to allow anyone to get close to him; he literally built an emotional barrier around him, shutting out everyone else. Recently, his barrier is starting to fall apart and when he lets his guard down, I can see the real him behind the iron mask. I can see sorrow in his eyes, sorrow so deep it mars his beautiful cerulean eyes and I can see the pain he tries so hard to hide. I have a sick feeling that what I saw was only a part of the iceberg hidden in the dark water.

Heero stopped suddenly.

"Yo, you're done?" I asked, trying to sound as cheerful as possible.

Without answering, Heero stood up and stormed out of the room.

"Hey…" I called out after him, but he immediately cut me off.

"Don't follow me".

Without another word, he slammed the door shut.

**End of flashback**

3.46 p.m.

The sky is beginning to clear. There is only a slight drizzle now. The whole room is as quiet as a tomb; the only sound breaking the silence is the dull repetition of my footsteps.

"Why, why, why?" I pondered silently, trying to figure out what goes on beyond the thick skull of Heero Yuy.

I stopped pacing abruptly as a disturbing thought cross my mind.

"It couldn't be…"

I turn around to face Heero's part of the room, analyzing the scene before my eyes.

"Hmm… painfully neat bed, overly organized desk and abnormally clean overall. Nothing suspicious there."

My gaze fell on his desk drawer. I walked deliberately toward his desk, feeling a little guilty at the thought of going through his things. Reaching out my arm, I tried to pull open the drawer. Locked. Now I just had to know what's in there. Pulling out two hairpins from my braid, I started to pick the lock. In just under 7 seconds, a barely audible "click" could be heard. That was way too easy. As the saying goes, once a thief always a thief. Looks like I haven't lost my skills.

"Well, lets see what you keep in here Hee-chan," I said aloud, a slight hint of guilt tugging at my conscience. Holding my breath, I pull open the drawer with one fluid movement.

My throat tightened. I could feel my heart pounding; I could hear it in my ears. There lying at the bottom of the drawer is a slick, black Glock.

"Calm down, Duo Maxwell. This is Heero we're talking about. It's normal for him to keep a freakin' gun in his desk drawer," I reasoned, trying to convince myself. Nonetheless, the shrillness of my voice betrays the coil of panic racing down my spine.

Uncertainty seized me as I picked up the gun and held it in front of me. It looks new.

One final thing to do.

"Please God, let me be wrong," I silently pleaded. I removed the magazine from the gun to inspect it.

A 12-round magazine, only one bullet.

Panic gripped me when I finally realized the severity of this whole situation.

"SHIT!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"How did I get here?"

I have no recollection whatsoever of the journey back. When I finally snapped out of my reverie, I found myself standing at the front door of my dorm room, drenched from head to toe.

Hoping that Duo is not in, I stepped into the room, only to find myself staring into a pair of angry violet eyes.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRIED I WAS WHEN YOU JUST STORM OUT OF THE ROOM AND SPENT FOUR FUCKING HOURS IN THE RAIN!" Duo exploded with rage. I can detect thinly disguised dread in his voice. Does he suspect something? I cannot afford to have someone messing up my plan at this stage.

"Why do you care anyway?" I immediately retorted, walking straight toward the bathroom without even glancing at him.

_Yes, why do you care? … I'm not worth it. _

_I want to scream. I want to scream till I do not have the voice to scream anymore. This despair is consuming me, burning me, eating me from within until I'm nothing more than a shell; a bundle of flesh and bones. I'm sorry I'm such a jerk, Duo, but you should never have to know this kind of misery or see the dark void that is my heart. You belong to the fair side of the world, where the light shines and the flowers bloom, where I, a creature of darkness, do not exist._

I can still hear him even after I close the bathroom door. It tookall my self-control to refrain myself from breaking down in front of him. I felt tears stinging at my eyes again. Damn it! Since when have I gotten so weak? Stripping off my wet clothes, I step into the shower and turn the water on full blast. For a few minutes I just stood there, letting the warm water massage my tired body. I can feel the familiar sense of self-hatred and worthlessness taking over me again, shattering the last bit of self-control I had. Finally, I gave in. Stumbling backwards, I heard myself sobbing.

I'm sitting on the bathroom floor, buck-naked and crying my heart out. This is just fucking perfect! I hugged my knees to my chest. Burying my face in my knees, I tried to stifle the noise I was making. I'll be damned if Duo finds out about this. For a short moment, I let the tears flow, allowing it to freely merge with the water splashing down on me.

When I am finally done showering, or should I say crying, I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my waist. On my way out, I paused in front of the mirror. I found myself staring unwittingly at the reflection, a reflection of my true self. Instantly fury began to pour into me, igniting the anger that I have kept locked away for a long time. I see a blue-eyed monster, I see a murderer and I see a wretched creature that deserves to rot in hell. With all my strength I threw a punch, and another, and another. I could hear the screams that I longed to let loose, the screams from my dying soul. MORE! MORE! I WANT TO HEAR MORE! The fragments of broken glass sliced through my skin, searing it with resentment. My breathing becomes audible and heavy. The metallic smell of blood invaded my nostrils and beads of warm red blood trickled off my arm, tarnishing the pure white granite flooring.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Two days later… 

"We have a mission", Heero stated monotonously, poker face firmly in place. I shot him a death glare, which of course lost its effect when he stared right back at me with hollow and dull blue eyes.

I wish he'd just stop pretending that everything's okay when it's so obviously not. My mind drifted back to two days earlier:

Heero has been in the bathroom for more than an hour. I can hear muffled sounds, which sounds suspiciously like someone crying and then I heard it, the shattering sound of glass. My anger immediately dissipated.

Knocking softly on the door, I called out to him "Heero, are you okay?"

No answer. My heart is threatening to jump out of my throat any second now.

"Hee…" before I could finish what I was about to say, the bathroom door flew open. To say that I was stunned out of my senses would be an understatement. Heero stood there with a bloody fist, wearing a blank expression. The blood was still flowing without restraint from the ugly gash on his right knuckles, staining the white towel around his waist.

I guessed I must have gaped openly because, as if on cue, he provided me with an answer to the question swirling around in my head. A most unsatisfactory one, if I may add.

"My hand slipped," he said flatly.

_Yeah right, and YOU expect me to believe that?_

I gave him an incredulous look.

He studiously avoided looking at me in the eye. "I'll clean that up later," he said, still being evasive. He moved away from the doorway, allowing me to see the extent of the damage. My eyes grew as huge as tennis balls, looking at the puddle of blood on the bathroom floor and the shards of shattered mirror coated with blood…

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The cold autumn wind sent a lingering scent of rotten leaves into the room.

This will be my last mission. After this, the misery will end, I will be free, finally. I rubbed my bandaged right hand absently as I gaze out of the window at the flurry of dead leaves in the yard. Dead. DEAD, DEAD, DEAD.

The words echoed menacingly in my head.

_Dead like my dreams, dead like everything else in my life._

_But that's okay… it doesn't matter anymore because soon, I will be dead too._

The room is too quiet; I can practically hear my own heart beat. I'm surprised Duo managed to stay quiet for that long. I almost think I'm the only one here. Out of the corner of my left eye I can see Duo sitting on his bed, his back leaning against the wall. His arms are folded and his legs are stretched out, his left leg lying on top of his right. I can feel his eyes burning into me. Shit! He's getting suspicious. I kicked myself mentally. Why the hell am I so stupid? I can't even control myself for one second. For one fuckin' second! I just had to go around breaking mirrors and whatever that's in my way. I groaned inwardly, rubbing my face with both hands. I really can't take this anymore, this misery that's haunting me like an eternal nightmare in an unending slumber.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The blazing sunset smear the room with a hue of deep ominous red.

I watch him as he stare out the window in a trance-like state. After the briefing on our latest mission (hopefully the last) he has been sitting there, totally oblivious to his surrounding.

"_What are you thinking Hee-man? Come on, you can tell me. We're friends right?"_

_Heero turns around, shot me a death glare and say in a low threatening voice, "Omae o korosu". I immediately shut my mouth._

Yup, that will be the definite scenario if I really did ask him that question. I sigh as I muse at the result of the internal mock conversation that just went on in my head.

Heero shifted in his seat. He ran his hands over his face, as if trying to wake up from a long, long nightmare. For a split second his facade crumbled, revealing a face marked with sorrow and just as fast, it disappears, replaced with the usual expressionless mask. This is just fucking fantastic! He clearly needs help and here I am, totally helpless. Goddamnit, it just hurts to see him so hurt! I wish I could take away the pain he's feeling.

"Heero, are you alright?" The words automatically rolled off my tongue. Great, I just can't keep my mouth shut.

Silence.

I half expected that. He didn't seem to hear me. I hopped out of my bed and walk towards him gingerly. I repeated my question, louder this time.

"What the hell do you want!" He snapped, not moving from his position. My, my, aren't we cranky today. I rolled my eyes.

"Nothing. Just want to know how's my buddy feelin'," I replied nonchalantly.

"I'm fine".

I waited for him to continue but it looks like that ain't happening anytime soon.

_You're not going to make this easy for me are you?_

I resisted the urge to just grab him and shake him to his senses. I grit my teeth in frustration.

"Please Heero, just talk to me. You're obviously not 'fine' no matter how much you pretend to be…" I pleaded but Heero didn't allow me to end my sentence (that seems to be happening a lot lately). He glared at me threateningly, for a moment I thought he was going to pound me like there was no tomorrow.

" 'Pretend'?" He echoed incredulously, his voice dangerously low. I found myself backing away slightly.

" Do you know how ironic that sounds, coming from you?" He said without the slightest hint of emotion in his voice. My eyes widened. I opened my mouth but no words came out. I cursed myself mentally. Trust me to be speechless at a time like this.

Heero continued. " If anyone's pretending here, it's you. Pretending to be such a saint. So, you're worried about me? Well, guess what? I do not need concern from a hypocritical son of a bitch like you." Heero spat out coldly, especially emphasizing the last sentence.

I, Duo Maxwell, am famous for being a thick-skinned bastard but damnit, his words stung. I took a step back hesitantly, the words he uttered were pure poison to my ears. It's amazing how a few words from the person you love can inflict such pain and agony emotionally.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Had I really said those words? Those hurtful words had escaped my mouth so smoothly even I myself could hardly believe that it was me who spoke them. Duo's face fell. His flawless visage, usually wreathed with infectious smiles, is now a mask of pain. Hurt is visible in his violet eyes. He bit his bottom lip in what I believe is an attempt to suppress a sob. I could feel guilt cutting savagely at me, like an icy blade slicing through my conscience. I shrug off the unpleasant sensation that is starting to build up in my chest with every drawn out second of silence.

I'm sorry… 

We stared at each other for what seems like an eternity, until at last I buckled under the intensity and tore my gaze away from his pained eyes. "Do you want something else?" I ask him, keeping my voice from cracking with every shred of self-control I have. I manage to maintain my composure with extreme difficulty.

I'm sorry… 

He stood rooted to his feet. "Umm…no, nothing else," he answered weakly before turning on his heel and walk dejectedly towards the door. As he turn the doorknob he said something, his back facing me, "You know Heero, I really _do _care, whether you believe it or not," a note of bitterness crept into his voice. With that, he gently closes the door as he step out of the room.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, knowing fully well that he could never hear that. I felt lower than dirt. I notice my hands are shaking. I pound my thigh none too gently in a futile effort to stop the shaking, sending jolts of pain up my spine. I don't care, this is nothing compared to what I just did to Duo. I sighed despondently. I have lost count of how many times I just wanted to openly bawl my heart out and open up to Duo, but I couldn't bring myself to do that, not with all those years of training to get rid of any trace of emotions. "Get rid?" I chuckled bitterly. 'Hide' would be a more appropriate word. Now, I doubt any amount of training would be able to make me willingly display emotions in front of anyone, even if it's Duo. I figured I just got too used to hiding. And I couldn't possibly drag Duo into this mess. To let him know how fucked up my mind is…I shuddered at the thought of that. No one must find out.

As I lost myself in thoughts, my gaze fell to my desk drawer. I found myself reaching over to unlock it. I pulled my chair and repositioned it right in front of the drawer. Opening it, I was greeted by the reassuring sight of black metal. I touch it tentatively, feeling the coldness of the metal.

_Only a few more days…I have to endure all this for only a few more days…then the pain will go away._

_xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

After a few days…

Earth is a precious sapphire when seen from the vast space. I could never cease being mesmerized at the sheer beauty of the planet Earth, the origin of humanity. In the aerospace of this war torn land, three forces with three different ideals clash in a battle that would inevitably mark a bloody and chaotic denouement to this pointless war. The repertoire of OZ mobile dolls whiz around systematically, mounting futile attacks on the more superior gundams. Parts of mobile suits, and if you look closely enough, mutilated corpses or body parts of allies and foes alike, float around in the infinite battlefield, lost in the cadence of time as the carnage continues. Treize Khushrenada, the leader of World Nation has fallen in the hands of the Chinese warrior, Chang Wu Fei. Following the demise of their leader, The World Nation surrendered. Facing defeat, White Fang made a desperate attempt to drop the space fortress, Libra, on earth…

Adrenaline raged through my veins. My heart is pounding with excitement and dread. The end is near; I could feel it in my bones.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I heaved a sigh of relief. "Mission accomplished".

_It's over…the war is over. So…why am I still alive? _

I can hear the others cheering with joy and relief across the speaker. The voices sent a wave of confusion and doubt to my mind. Am I supposed to feel that way too? Am I supposed to feel happy? I shook my head furiously. NO. I'm NOT allowed to feel happiness, not when I single-handedly stole the happiness and hopes of my numerous victims.

_What is the purpose of this pathetic existence?_

I look down at my hands. They were covered in blood and I'm the only one who could see it, the hideous colour of blood. No matter how many times I wash them or how many good deeds I do, I will never be able to clean the blood off. Why was I born with such a black soul? At that moment, I felt like crying. I wanted to set free all the tears that I had forcefully held back. The layers of self-hatred that had accumulated over the years weigh down on me viciously.

"You did it Heero!" Quatre said excitedly, his smooth features flashing across the LCD panel. His clear azure eyes twinkled with ecstasy as he continued to chatter on animatedly. I could see his lips moving but I couldn't hear what he was saying, I was too consumed in my own thoughts. Moments later, images of the three other gundam pilots flashed across the panel, dividing it into four equally spaced rectangles. Quatre is still talking, Wu Fei had a slight smile plastered on his face, Trowa is still as expressionless as always but joy is clearly reflected in his emerald green eyes. Lastly, Duo… the sight of him makes my stomach twist with guilt. He looks pleased but there seems to be something else bothering him, no doubt it involves me. His mouth is set in a thin line, his jaw clenched tightly. I ignored him.

From now on, a new age is born. A new age, which is not meant for a person like me, a person whose mind is torn with guilt and despair, whose soul is tainted with sins and regret. Time and time again I courted death, but the death that I sought so desperately flickers beyond my grasp. Since Death does not seek me, I will seek Him!

I pulled out the Glock that I had brought along especially for this occasion. I stared at the firearm with wonder, slowly running my fingers across the smooth surface.

_My salvation. _

Raising my arm, I pressed the cold metal muzzle against my right temple, feeling the arteries throb protestingly against it. I rest my finger on the trigger and averted my gaze towards the LCD panel. The others are stunned into silence. "What…what are you doing Heero?" Quatre stammered, fear painted clearly on his face, defiling the innocence he is well known for. Wu Fei and Trowa widened their eyes uncharacteristically, visibly shocked at the scene before their eyes. I look intently at my four comrades. Despite fighting alongside them, trusting them with my life, I realized I never really got to know them and Duo… I'll never get to apologize to him or tell him how I truly feel. Hesitation hovered for a few milliseconds before being vanquished by the overwhelming hopelessness devouring me. I drew in a deep breath. This is it, the end of a life that should never have existed in the first place.

"This is repentance to all the lives I have taken".

"NO, HEERO!" Cries of desperation erupted simultaneously across the speaker as realization hit them like an icy slap to the face.

A second went by…everything moves at warped speed… and I could see them, the mournful eyes, the frantic expressions, and the futile denial, etched on their youthful features. Expressions that do no belong there, that I don't deserve but… I'm happy; at least they cared enough to feign concern.

I smiled, for the first and final time and I pulled the trigger…

_A shot rang out and resounded in four other gundams, drowning out the anguish cries and solemn tears of the pilots within. The cockpit of Wing Gundam Zero is painted a melancholic shade of crimson…_

_The End? (Tell me if you want me to continue)_

_Please R&R_


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